


The Strong Sweet Quality

by Carleen



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Bromance, James - Freeform, James Vega - Freeform, M/M, ME3 MassEffect, Male Bonding, Male Slash, Mass Effect - Freeform, Shepard Love, male shepard - Freeform, scifi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2013-07-26
Packaged: 2017-11-26 08:48:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/648763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carleen/pseuds/Carleen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's lonely at the top, where there's no time for personal relationships. Commander Shepard may have finally met his "type." Male Shepard and James Vega story arch. Romance and friendship, with just a couple of swear words. Please take a moment to read the poem. It's an excerpt from "I Sing the Body Electric," by Walt Whitman, from his larger work LEAVES OF GRASS. Chapter 4 contains an explicit sex scene. Otherwise, enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wild as the Wind

LOCATION: SR-2 Normandy, Hanger Bay. 0600

* * *

_The strong sweet quality he has strikes through the cotton and broadcloth_

* * *

Early in alpha shift, Lieutenant Cortez heard the elevator open and watched Commander Shepard enter the hanger bay. With a welcoming smile, and wiping his hands on a rag, Cortez cleared a space for the commander to sit down.

"Thanks Steve, but I don't have time to sit. Usual rounds," he said, returning the smile.

"Just made a fresh pot, sir. Ground the beans a few minutes ago."

The commander sighed in resignation and sat down. The coffee did smell delicious, certainly better than the swill Gardner cooked up. Taking a sip, he smiled appreciatively. "Thanks."

"Any time, John. You know that."

He did know, and he was grateful for the time, the refuge, and the camaraderie. In the short while they had known each other, the two men formed a bond. Over time, while Steve grieved for the death of his husband and Shepard offered what comfort he could, the possibility of a relationship dwindled. They were no less attracted to each other, but as time passed, they realized what they most needed was a genuine friendship.

After pouring himself a cup, Steve gestured toward the other man in the room. The young lieutenant across the bay was so focused on his workout; he didn't notice he was under scrutiny.

"Was he really your guard?"

"Yeah, they assigned him to me. I think they felt I was so dangerous that I needed a personal guard."

Shepard felt a hand grip his shoulder. "Not pleasant times, I know. On the brighter side, I'd have to admit, he could guard me anytime."

Shepard looked up in surprise. He would not have guessed Vega was Steve's type.

"What? He's gorgeous. Not your type either, huh?"

With a shrug, the commander drained his cup. "Back on earth, I was so involved with my own issues, I hardly noticed him. Besides, who knows what my type is."

"You could have your choice… Geez, Shepard. Sometimes, I just don't get you." The smile took away the harsh tone of his comment.

"My choice is always the mission or the next battle or the rare opportunity for some peace and quiet. I have no idea what my type is. No time for personal relationships."

"Hey, Give yourself some credit, Commander."

He shook his head, "This is the history of my of relationships: Short, superficial and gone before morning."

When Steve handed him a fresh cup, he stepped around to look him in the eye. "Listen to me, I may never experience what I had with Robert again. But I'll never stop believing it's possible. It's out there for you too, John. I know it."

"You're a romantic," he said, grasping the hand that touched his cheek. Don't you know that's out of fashion these days? Besides, where would I ever find blue eyes like yours?"

"A bit early in the morning for flirting, sir. But I think I can keep up."

Shepard took a step back from the hands reaching out for him. "Work calls. I'd better get over there and say hello to my new Weapons Officer. Thanks, Steve."

"Just let me know when you need a ride, Commander." He said, with a wink.

Over the short walk across the hangar bay, the commander managed to wipe the grin off his face. For a few seconds Commander Shepard watched the marine lieutenant counting his pullups. Finally, he acknowledged the presence of the commanding officer.

"Hey, Shepard. You here for the sho..."

"Hey, Shepard? Hey, Lieutenant. How about you drop off that bar and show some respect for your CO."

"Yes, sir."

Giving the lieutenant a few moments to sweat, Commander Shepard made a slow analysis of what he had not noticed about the man. He was decent looking, no argument there. That is if you liked a teenaged, muscle bound, show off.

"A teenager! With all due respect, sir. I'm thirty years old."

Oh, crap, he'd said that aloud. What else had fallen out of his mouth, while he was thinking of how much he liked the look of those shoulders and firm stomach and how was it that he hadn't noticed before…?

"Are you at attention, Lieutenant?"

"Yes, sir."

"Did I ask you for an opinion?

"No, sir."

"When I want you to speak, I'll let you know." Commander Shepard walked around behind the lieutenant to continue his analysis, but most of all, to hide his growing unease. It was then, the scent of the man drifted to his nostrils. Strong and sweet, it entered his blood stream, heating his body and leaving a trail of primal need in its wake.

 

* * *

 

I Sing the Body Electric, Walt Whitman

2

_The love of the body of man or woman balks account, the body itself balks account,_

_That of the male is perfect, and that of the female is perfect._

_The expression of the face balks account,_

_But the expression of a well-made man appears not only in his face,_

_It is in his limbs and joints also, it is curiously in the joints of his hips and wrists,_

_It is in his walk, the carriage of his neck, the flex of his waist and knees, dress does not hide him,_

_**The strong sweet quality** he has strikes through the cotton and broadcloth,_

_To see him pass conveys as much as the best poem, perhaps more,_

_You linger to see his back, and the back of his neck and shoulder-side._

[Wild as the Wind, Nina Simone](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiVDzTT4CbE)


	2. I Put a Spell on You

"Sir, is there something I can do for you?" James asked, turning suddenly, so they were face-to-face and no longer visible to the rest of the hangar bay. To hide his embarrassment, at being caught; the commander stuck out his hand.

"Welcome to the Normandy, Lieutenant Vega. Glad to have you on my team."

The strong grip of the lieutenant caught him by surprise. The marine's hands were larger than his. The younger man took advantage of that fact by enclosing Shepard's hand in his. The battle was on. Shepard would not pull his hand away, and Vega would not let go. Hemmed in by storage containers and Vega's worktable behind them. The tension grew as they were cocooned in a this private space and breathing each other's breath. Vega slid is forefinger to commander's wrist. Brown eyes riveted on blue as he felt the commander's racing heartbeat under his fingertip. Shepard was not about to back down. A long slow breath filled his senses with the handsome man in front of him. The commander found himself wishing they were anywhere but here. Somewhere quiet. The timber of the other man's voice gentled him and he wanted to hear more of it. The entire story of the marine's life interested him. The scar across his nose and cheek? Did James wish him to go take care of whoever did that to him?

"Happy to be here, sir. I repeat is there something I can do for you?"

"Not at this time."

"Understood. If I may say, sir. I am also pleased you're back where you belong. I couldn't be much help to you on earth. I want to ask you… I want you to know… You were one hell of a role model to me back there. Now that we're here. I intend to learn all I can from you."

Then Vega snapped back to attention, and the moment was over. The commander's hand hovered in the air "I don't need hero worship, Lieutenant. I need a cohesive and functional crew. Working at maximum efficiency in order for us to succeed in this mission."

"Aye, sir! Just wanted to know where my goals and my interests lay." Vega spoke those last words directly into Shepard's eyes.

Shepard felt himself swallow and his breath catch. Damn it!

From across the hanger, Lieutenant Cortez called out, "Hey rookie! I need some muscle over here."

"As you were, Lieutenant." The elevator offered sanctuary for Shepard as he escaped those deep brown eyes. Eyes, which now burned into his retinas like a flash of bright light. The man's scent tickled his nose and the touch of his skin had his heart pounding. Well, what in the hell was this about? Attraction was nothing new. Women and men often vied for his attention. He couldn't help his looks. Staying fit was part of his job as a soldier and his obligation as a role model to his crew went with the job. Life was less complicated back when he'd been Anderson's exec. There were occasional moments when he had let someone get close. They never lasted. There was always the mission, the training and the paperwork. The career and the work always came first. When had he simply enjoyed a moment? Taken the time to savor a taste… The door to his quarters slid open distracting him from his thoughts. The room is empty. The fish tank: Empty. His bed: Empty.

Last night he had taken Yeoman Traynor up on her offer of a "game night." How was he supposed to know she meant chess? Then, when he'd offered her the opportunity to stay for post game activities she'd told him exactly why she liked the sound of EDI's voice. That'd been more than a little embarrassing. She'd softened the blow with her usual good cheer and the promise of a rematch. He thought about that night he'd invited Yeoman Chambers to his quarters. That seemed like a sure thing. Until she'd started dancing. That'd been, well, just not right. She did have a hot body. He just hadn't been interested. Perhaps, in the future, he should avoid yeoman. Then it occurred to him that he meant female yeoman.

The memories of Traynor and Chambers' charms paled and receeded as thoughts of his weapons officer intruded. Shepard sat down on the side of his bed and scrubbed a hand across his head. The stubble on his scalp matched the stubble on his cheeks. He needed a haircut and a shower. And, how many times had he worn this uniform?

"Commander Shepard we're entering Citadel space. Do you require transport?" EDI inquired over the ship's Comm system.

"Not necessary, but thanks anyway."

"ETA, fifteen minutes."

Just enough time for a shower and clean uniform. Trying to decide what to wear, he studied himself in the mirror. Brown leather pants with matching sleeveless leather vest? Too desperate. Jeans and leather N7 jacket? Too cute. Crap.

"Traynor, get up here." Thirty minutes later, a showered and clean-shaven John Shepard, headed for the docking facilities. The navy blue polo shirt showed off the blue of his eyes and the casual khaki pants showed off… well the rest of him. Traynor watched appreciatively, as he exited the ship. She also noticed with some surprise, that he was alone: No Garrus, no Cortez, or Zaeed.

The Citadel elevator dropped him off at Purgatory. As he headed for the entrance, he noticed James Vega headed toward him with hands deep in his pockets and head down.

"Lieutenant?"

"Commander! I didn't realize… you were… You're not headed in there are you?"

"Well, it's the only place I know of to get a drink around here. At least, a legal drink."

Vega shook his head, "Commander you need to get out of the house more often. Trust me?"

Shepard found himself unable to resist the open smile and innocent question. Vega waited for his response.

"I promise to get you home before curfew, Commander. Don't worry, I won't bite you."

"You mean… you do bite?"

"Well, not in public. Coming, sir?"

Two flights of stairs and an elevator ride later, James ushered them through a door, which led into an area totally hidden from the corridor outside. There was a terrace with intimate tables and indoor area with a bar and a small dance floor. The strains of smooth jazz music filtered out to the patio. Very nice, Shepard thought. After greeting the proprietor as if they were best friends, James ordered for both of them.

"Straight up single malt for my friend and the usual for me.

"How did you know what I drank?"

"I pay attention. Inside or out?"

"Let's sit out here. Seems peaceful."

Alone with their drinks, James stayed silent as he watched Shepard survey their surrounds and finally begin to relax. The notes of Nina Simone's "I Put a Spell on You" drifted out to their table. Shepard closed his eyes, tossing his drink back in one gulp.

"Memories?" Vega asked softly.

Shepard shrugged. "You mean like memories of someone special? No. Nothing like that. Maybe a little melacholy. That voice of her's has that affect."

A hand slipped into his and Vega stood, tugging gently but insistently.

"Then let's make some memories for you. Dance with me?"

"Lieutenant."

"No lieutenants here, Shepard. Just you and me."

Had he stood on his own or had Vega pulled him to his feet? Either way, he felt strong capable arms slide around his shoulders. Although he tried to resist, his head came to rest on a perfectly comfortable spot on Vega's shoulder. No clumsy adjustments. Their bodies fit together and moved naturally. The sensation of dancing was as if their bodies were melting together. For a few minutes Shepard allowed it. However, when he felt Vega press his hand to his lips, and whisper something in Spanish, he stiffened.

_"Te amo porque has cambiado mi vida, y has dado rumbo a mi corazón."_

"What did you say?"

"Nothing important. I... I'm pushing too hard. Forget it."

The moment was broken. Shepard pulled away and tossed some money on the table.

"Thank you for the drink, Lieutenant. I'd better get back to the ship."

Vega dropped his arms, "John, don't go."

"I have to."

"Why?"

"Because this, he said, gesturing to the two of them, always turns out to be an illusion."

Vega moved closer to Shepard and said, "I just held you in my arms. Did I feel like an illusion to you?"

"You just don't get it." Shepard said and walked away feeling like ten kinds of a fool for allowing himself to be pulled into that silly romantic moment.

"No sir, I get it. I get it all too well," Vega replied to the empty space where Shepard had stood with his arms wrapped around him so tight the marine could hardly draw a breath.

* * *

  _Te amo porque has cambiado mi vida, y has dado rumbo a mi corazón_ : I love you because you've changed my life, and have given direction to my heart

AN: "I Put a Spell on You" covered by the one and only Nina Simone. I usually add the lyrics, but I want you to experience this for yourself <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ua2k52n_Bvw>


	3. A Dream That I Could Call My Own

* * *

_The night I looked at you I found a dream that I can speak to. A dream that I could call my own_

* * *

Entering his quarters, he began tossing pieces of his armor across the room. Disgusted at the horrible losses on Thessia, he gave in to his frustration. The Asari people might never recover and it was his fault. If he could have responded sooner. If the Council had only listened to him months ago. Yes, they'd found the answers they'd needed. But they'd gained a new enemy. An enemy who'd almost single-handedly taken them all out. Liara wounded and emotionally shattered over the death of her home world. James, seriously wounded by a Banshee and fighting for his life in Med Bay. Thessia itself reduced to rubble. The same thing that was happening to earth right now. Commander Shepard paced his quarters, his anger, and guilt chewing at his gut. He should go down to Med Bay and check on them. But his anger consumed him. So dark was his mood that he failed to notice to door to his quarters open and close. Shepard clenched his fist and in anger aimed at the transparent aquarium wall. He hated that damn fish tank. As he took a swing, his biotics to exploded to life. Until, another hand shot out across his vision and caught his fist.

"And you question why I call you Loco?"

"James, I thought you were in Med Bay?"

"I'm okay. Besides, the Doc had enough to do without babysitting me. I wanted to check on you."

"Why?" He asked, pulling his hand from Vega's grip.

"You always check on everyone else, I have yet to see anyone checking on you."

Shepard shook his head. "I'm fine."

"Of course, you're the commander. You're bulletproof. I see it. Hell, I'm a Marine, and we're indestructible."

Commander Shepard watched the color drain out of the other man's face and stepped forward quickly to catch him as he sagged to his knees. James was barely conscious, so instead of the couch, Shepard took him straight to the bed. Sitting down next to him, Shepard checked his pulse and touched his face.

"James? You with me?"

"Yeah, I'm here… nowhere else I'd rather… 'course, not exactly the way I planned to get into your bed."

"Lieutenant. James… don't"

"Wanted to thank you for saving my life back there on Thessia. You got that Banshee off me."

"No thanks necessary. You're my crew and my responsibility. I'd-"

"I know, I know. You'd do the same for any of us." Vega turned his face away, shifting uncomfortably. Let me up, I should go back to Med Bay."

Shepard stayed silent as he carefully pulled off Vega's boots. The dog tags landed on the bedside table. Covering him with a blanket, Shepard allowed his hands to drift down over those magnificent shoulders.

"I would do the same for any of my crew. James, I found, in that moment, of watching the Banshee take you down. I had to save you. Save you, no matter what, because…"

"Tell me." James cupped his hand around the Commander's face. Shepard couldn't stop himself from leaning into the siren call of its warmth.

"Because, I want to finish that dance with you. And I don't know how that got to be so damned important. But it is."

James slid his thumb across the commander's lips. "I like what I'm hearing, Loco."

"Yeah. Crazy, he nodded in agreement. That's what I must be. To allow myself this."

"What's so bad for you, that you can't give yourself a bit of time?"

"This is," he brushed his lips against James's mouth and felt him draw in air as he pulled away. "But, not just for now, or only tonight, or to watch you walk away in the morning."

"Then don't let me leave."

"Is it that simple?"

"Hey, I'm not exactly a veteran at this stuff. I've ridden my instincts about you since the first moment I met you back on earth."

"Instincts?"

"Yeah, my soldier's instincts. They tell me, this is ground I need to fight for. To earn. I might even be close to winning. James pulled Shepard's head down and kissed him. Against his mouth he said, if I win the battle, I will guard and protect it."

"So you expect me to just surrender?"

"Hell no, Loco. I want you to fight. Our fights will be glorious, almost as good as making up."

Curling his arms around James's head and shoulders, Shepard relaxed and gave in to the kiss.

"Not that I want you stop. Pain meds are slamming my eyes shut. Last chance to kick me out... Don't stop kissing... me."

Shepard only stopped when he felt Jame's lips and jaw go slack. Then he rose up and for a long time just watched James sleeping. After a quick shower, he found more pain meds in the marine's pocket. After he set them on the table where James could reach them, the commander climbed into the bed. Lacing his hand through the sleeping man's fingers, he watched for any signs this illusion might disappear. Finally, as he began to believe the reality of the peace and quiet. The deep breathing and warm body next to him soon lulled him to sleep. Just the same, he kept his finger on Jame's pulse.

* * *

  _At last_  


_My love has come along_

_My lonely days are over_

_And life is like a song Oh yeah yeah_

_At last_

_The skies above are blue_

_My heart was wrapped up in clover_

_The night I looked at you I found a dream, that I could speak to_

_A dream that I can call my own I found a thrill to press my cheek to_

_A thrill that I have never known Oh yeah yeah_

_You smiled, you smiled_

_Oh and then the spell was cast_

_And here we are in heaven for you are mine... At Last_

[At Last, Etta James](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tA5BSrrsp4)


	4. The Strong Sweet Quality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AN: Chapter 4 contains an adult scene. If it's not your thing, the story reasonably ends with Chapter 3.

LOCATION: NAS North Island San Diego, California

AN: One more warning: Sex on the beach... No, not the drink.

* * *

The day they decommissioned his ship, he walked down the ramp and never looked back. He loved his ship, but in an abstract way that didn't make him sad to leave her. She'd taken care of him and his crew and brought them home from places they had no right to survive. Now the people were gone, scattered around the galaxy.

Steve found the love he missed and moved to Mars Colony with his new husband. Garrus went home to Palaven and a hero's welcome. The 'Fleet gathered Tali up and made a triumphant trip back to Rannoch. Joker stayed on earth teaching aviation at the Alliance Military Academy. EDI was there with him working in the Robotic Technology Department.

Right now, as he walked slowly away from the, docking facilities, he missed them. He missed the discussions, fighting side by side, working with a team, and the endless string of sleepless nights when there was always someone to talk to. Always someone else who couldn't sleep either. He'd watched Tali grow up, Garrus mature and Steve learn to love again. Getting on with their lives was the best gift he could give them. He'd skipped the farewell parties and got out of their way. He hadn't even said goodbye.

Anderson had begged him to stay in Vancouver. He'd even thought about resigning his commission. After four years in Vancouver, Shepard needed to move on. Here he was walking down The Strand on North Island in San Diego. Same ocean, same coastline, but everything seemed different here. Even the air was different. Warm and humid it lacked that ever-present chill of Vancouver. The sun warmed his back and he removed his jacket. Seagulls wheeled and screeched against the vivid blue sky.

After noting the location of Visiting Officer's Quarters on North Island, he headed toward the 'wet side' of the base and the pounding surf. At the edge of the sand, he paused to watch sailors exercising. Not much had changed since he'd been in officer's training school. They were still doing their push ups to the shouted cadence of 'Courage!' 'Honor!' 'Commitment!'

Further down the beach, groups of sailors ran along the surf line. For a moment he watched them, racing each other and laughing. He wanted this; he wanted this world, the real word.

So long in space, he realized a few months ago, that he yearned for his feet back on the ground. After the Battle for Earth, there was no wish they wouldn't grant him. So they made him an Admiral and put him in charge of the Western Region. With a staff and personal shuttle for travelling up and down the coast, he was ready to get back to work. At thirty-eight, he was the youngest officer ever appointed to an admiralty.

Dropping his bag and jacket on the sand, Rear Admiral John Shepard inhaled the salty tang of the Pacific Ocean into his lungs. He stood there for a long time listening to the rhythmic crash of the waves against the shore and the sounds of birds. It was better to be alone, like this, no expectations, no disappointments.

The sun was sinking into the ocean when Shepard noticed a lone runner heading up the beach. As he jogged along, the man swung his arms in a cadenced series of boxing punches. Shepard rose to his feet as the runner approached. His head finally heard what his heart had been telling him for the last five minutes. In a pair of Hawaiian - loud enough to wake the dead - print swimming trunks and nothing else was James Vega.

He should say something. He should stop him and say hello. He should wave. But the runner swept past him and Shepard watched him head into the gloom of twilight. Should he follow? James. With a pounding heart, Shepard watched the man disappear. He had no right even to speak to the man, he thought, as he sank down to the sand. Through his own stupidity, he'd allowed an important relationship slip out of his hands. Steve had warned him and James had done his best to reach out to him, but he never heard their words.

As time spiraled down to their last mission on earth, Shepard had reverted to his old, self-involved and self-destructive self. With the realization he probably wouldn't survive the battle he'd cut ties with everyone. After the battle, after everyone took account and realized they were actually still alive, Shepard had mended his fences with the entire crew. Everyone, except Lieutenant Vega. The damage had been done. The lieutenant requested and been granted reassignment. Shepard never asked where and James had never contacted him again. By the time he'd looked up, from his own self-involvement, James was gone.

"What the _hell_ is Admiral Shepard doing on _my_ beach?"

The voice came from behind him and as he turned to face the familiar baritone, he found himself wrapped in bands of steel. It was all there: Slim hips, firm waist and the strength of his embrace. The familiar scent of the man's sweat mixed with the exotic smell of suntan lotion assaulted his scenes. Shepard sank willingly into the embrace.

Then James dragged him down to the sand, pressing him flat with his body. James pinned Shepard's arms above his head and straddled him. With a ragged breath, James slanted his mouth over Shepard's. The Admiral didn't fight it. He wanted it. All of it.

"What are you doing here?" James growled, shoving Shepard's legs apart and ground himself against the Admiral's hips.

Shepard locked a leg around James' hips. Yes! All of it, right now, on this beach. Shepard hissed against his mouth, "I missed you!" But this was no way to apologize... His shirt disappeared and James let go of his lips long enough to sink his teeth into the curve of his pectoral muscle.

Against his skin, James, grated out, "Yeah, missed you too."

Shepard bucked his hips in response. "I missed… James! This is no way to... wait. Ah!"

James tongue dipped into Shepard's naval and continued to travel down his stomach. When James released him to the cool night air, he lost all ability to resist or stop. Reason left him as Vega engulfed him with his mouth. Shepard arched his body off the sand and for a moment opened his eyes to the night sky. If there had been anyone else in the last four years since he'd been with James, he forgot all about them as James worked his magic. They were nothing. Nothing compared to the way this man loved him.

He hadn't forgotten what his CO liked and James teased him over and over lowering his mouth and tongue over him. By the time, James allowed him to bump against the back of his throat, Shepard hands twisted into James' short hair as he repeated the marine's name. Short blunt fingers stroked his prostate in rhythm to the motions of his mouth and lips.

"James... only you."

Shepard thought he heard James snarl. Was it anger? The marine showed no mercy and Shepard couldn't defend against the onslaught of his senses. His nerve endings flared and caught fire as he pushed himself deeper into James' mouth. Then in a shattering climax of blinding need, Shepard cried out as he emptied himself into James. His fingers clawed and scratched deeply into the sand. The night strengthened its hold while they rested against each other. Shepard stroked the head that lay on his thigh. They had much to talk about. First, he needed to apologize and explain. When he could move, he pulled James toward him, curling his body to meet him. So much for them to talk about. James would understand. Everything was fine now.

To Shepard's surprise James stood abruptly and took a long sip from his water bottle. "Where are you going? Come here. You need..."

James tilted his head back and laughed, "With all due respect, Admiral. You don't know what the fuck I need."

By the time Shepard recovered his senses and dressed himself, James was several yards up the beach. Shepard started after him, then remembered his bag and jacket. Once he retrieved them James was gone.

As is common for pacific coasts nights, the air turned chilly. The darkness surrounded him in its cold and lonely embrace. Shepard shrugged into this jacket and made it to the lifeguard shack before his trembling knees gave way. Sinking down to the bottom step, he buried his face in his hands. Utterly shaken by what had just happened, selfish bastard was only one of the names he hurled at himself that night. The other names burned in his gut and etched themselves across what was left of his spirit. With a long day stretched out behind him, his tired eyes slipped closed.

He awoke to a hand on his shoulder, "Hey, buddy. You okay?"

Shepard opened his eyes to weak sunlight filtering through morning fog. Blinking, he tried to focus on the man speaking to him.

"James?"

"Sorry, the name's Dave. You need a ride? A doc?"

His red shorts and white t-shirt identified the man as a lifeguard.

"I'm fine. Just fell asleep. I'm staying across the street. Thanks though."

Shepard gathered his bag and walked toward billeting. He felt sick and over tired, like he'd been drinking all night. The entrance to NAS North Island loomed in front of him. Shepard straightened up and retrieved his ID. The guard's eyes widened as the checked Shepard's ID and compared it to the man standing in front of him. A beat later the guard snapped a salute.

"Welcome to NAS, North Island, Admiral. May I get a ride for you, sir?"

"I'd rather walk. As you were, Corporal." 

"Yes, sir!"

This was no way to make a first impression. He needed a shave and a real shower and sleep. Word would get around quickly about the admiral who showed up at the gate with a two-day beard and sand on his rumpled clothes.

Shepard didn't notice the marine who followed him through the gate. Major Vega stopped and the guard saluted again. Vega turned the full force of his marine military bearing on the man, "Do I need to worry about what you just saw getting repeated?"

"No sir!"

"Because if I hear it repeated anywhere on this base, Corporal. Anywhere in San Diego _fucking_ County, I'll come straight back to you. Understood?"

"Understood, sir!"

Major James Vega followed the Admiral to billeting just to make sure he actually arrived. Once he saw Shepard enter the billeting office, he made a quick turn toward his own office. He really hated watching sailors and marines ducking into buildings or turning the other way as he approached. He was just like them, after all. Just another marine with a job to do. The long hours, the responsibility, the endless meetings, didn't bother him. Watching his people evade him just to avoid saluting did. That's why he spent time getting to know the marines under his command. And working in the community gave him a good balance.

In spite of his best intentions at putting last night out of his mind, memories of John Shepard crept in. Nothing before or since had been as intense as his time with John. He'd been prepared to commit to that man and with a little push from Shepard, ready to call it love. Then it all turned into a shit storm with the Battle for Earth and its aftermath. Forced to watch Shepard turn back in on himself, he was pretty sure his heart had broken. Yeah, stupid cliché, but that's what it felt like. So he'd packed up his stuff, left whatever remained of his in Shepard's quarters and put it all behind him. Had he forgotten John Shepard? No. He tried to bury those dreams with a string of women and empty relationships. That grew stale very quickly and in the last couple of years he'd simply stopped looking and focused his attention on the job and the kids.

With a shower, shave and four hours of sleep behind him, Admiral Shepard sat on the edge of his bed deep in thought. Rank did have its privileges and he'd ordered breakfast brought to him. Normally, all sailors used the mess hall for meals. No one dared question the admiral when he asked for breakfast brought to his room. Yeah, it was nice.

When a quiet knock signaled his meal, Shepard opened the door. Instead of the petty officer, Major Vega stood in his doorway with a tray of food in his hands.

"Your breakfast, Admiral. Where would you like me to place it, sir?"

Several responses flashed across his mind, but none seemed appropriate to the surprise at seeing James standing in the doorway and the memory of what he'd done to this man. Or what happened last night or what to do next. He did manage to take the tray and drop it on the desk.

"The coffee is fresh, sir. Had them brew some fresh for you."

"James? Last night…"

"Apologies, sir. A momentary lapse. Won't happen again."

"What if I want it to happen again? James, please come in. We can't continue this conversation in the hallway." 

Vega took two steps into the room. Just far enough so Shepard could close the door behind him.

"I didn't know you were stationed here when I accepted the assignment."

"Good to know you didn't come here to find me. Puts me in my place. Clarifies the situation. Good to know."

"I didn't mean it that way. James, please come in and sit down. Tell me how you've been. Look at you. You're a major now."

"We will meet at staff meetings and the occasional event. Other than that we shouldn't run into each other. Just so you know, I live and spend my free time off base. Am I dismissed, Admiral?"

Apparently, there was no way to retrieve what they once had. No way to apologize, no way to make it right. He could hardly blame him. He looked so good standing there in his Marine uniform. Shepard hadn't known, Vega made major. With no clear way to make amends, Shepard nodded silently. As James turned to go he noticed a set of dog tags laying on the desk. Shepard had been holding them in his hand when breakfast and James Vega arrived. The marine scooped up the chain and glanced at the identification.

"You kept these? Why? Why!" He asked, his voice rising in anger.

"You know why."

"No, I don't know! Just a dumb kid's dream. That's all it ever was and you proved it."

What could he really say to make this any different that it was? Guilty of all charges. Selfish and self-centered. It was the way he'd learned to survive on growing up on the street.

"Is there anything I can say, James?"

"Not at this time, sir. If you'll excuse me, Admiral?"

Shepard stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. "If you won't talk to me now, then why last night? Why are you here?"

"Damned if know, John. I saw you on the beach yesterday. The funny thing was, I was thinking of you as I ran and there you were." ames laughed with a short angry sound.

"I'm happy to see you." Shepard's hand slipped up from James' shoulder to his neck. "You look so good," he whispered stroking James' cheek lightly with his finger.

James shied away and opened the door. "Not again, John. I can't do this again. Like I said, we won't run into each other very often on the base. So no problem there. Good day, sir."

Shepard managed to get the coffee down, but he never did eat the food. A month went by, then two months. Spring rolled over into summer and everything was blooming. The surfers were out every day now. He watched them as he ran down the beach. Worried that he'd put on weight sitting behind a desk, the beautiful weather made getting outside a pleasure.

He'd settle in to his new job, formed a working relationship with his staff and got the work done. The first day he stayed late, the second week he stayed until seven. Now he rarely got back to his quarters before midnight. Plenty of work to do to keep him busy and away from thinking about the absence of a personal life. He liked it that way.

All that desk work had softened him up, so he'd given himself a rare day off to go running. He'd picked sunset, his favorite time of the day and took off down the shoreline. Streaks of orange and red splashed across the western sky, when the lone runner took a new path through a huddle of small buildings. The first thing he noticed was the smell of a campfire, the second was the sound of children's voices and he slowed his pace. He stopped in his tracks when he heard a young voice, "Tell us a ghost story, Mister V! Please!" A chorus of 'please' followed, along with a plea for hearing about reapers.

Shepard followed the sound and found himself on the edge of a circle a two dozen or so children of a variety of ages. There was James, with a young child on his lap. Shepard felt a hand on his calf and looked down, startled at the unexpected touch.

"Hey mister. You gonna sit here with us and listen to Mister V's stories? He always tells good ones."

The little girl made room for him and Shepard found himself seated between the little girl and another boy of about ten.

"What's your name?" The little boy asked.

"John. My name is John. Are you guys on a camping trip?"

"Kinda. We live in an orphanage and Mister V spends time with us. After dinner and stories he'll take us back to the orphanage."

"An orphanage?" Shepard responded like he'd never heard of one before. "How long have you been in the orphanage?"

"Me and my sister, he said indicating the girl seated next to Shepard were brought here after the battle with the reapers. 'Lots of us were left alone after that." Shepard could only stare at the boy. His innocent words hit him hard, cutting into his heart like a red laser. He'd never thought of this aspect of the war. How many children lost their mothers and fathers or sisters and brothers? While he'd been running around the galaxy playing Commander Shepard, thousands of children lost their homes and families.

"Are you okay, Mister?" "Yeah, kid. I'm okay. Let's listen to the story."

"William."

"What?"

"My name is William, not kid. I think I used to have another name, but I forgot it. Do you still have two names?"

* * *

AN: Some of this chapter I took from my own experiences in the Navy Reserve at NAS, North Island. We really did our 'PT' or physical training on the beach and shouted honor courage, commitment to the cadence of our pushups. Plenty of Lieutenants and Commanders out there, sadly, I never met James Vega or a Commander Shepard out there… hehehe

AN: Picked this song to go along with my "Nina Simone" theme. In this usage, the song serves as a metaphor for John and James' relationship and the orphaned children.

  **Children Go Where I Send Thee** , Nina Simone: <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6VGwBKU7Fw>

  
**First verse** :

_Children, go where I send thee_

_How shall I send thee?_

_I'm gonna send thee one-by-one_

_One for the little bitty baby_

_Wrapped in swaddling clothing_

_Lying in the manger Born, born oh, born in Bethlehem._

**Second verse:**

_Children, go where I send thee_

_How shall I send thee? I'm gonna send thee two-by-two_

_Two for Paul and Silas_

_One for the little bitty baby Wrapped in swaddling clothing_

_Lying in the manger Born, born oh, born in Bethlehem._

**Consecutive Versus:**

_Three-by-three: Three for the Hebrew children..._

_Four-by-four: Four for the four that stood at the door..._

_Five-by-five: Five for the gospel preachers..._

_Six-by-six: Six for the six that never got fixed..._

_Seven-by-seven: Seven for the seven that never got to Heaven..._

_Eight-by-eight: Eight for the eight that stood at the gate..._

_Nine-by-nine: Nine for the nine all dressed so fine..._

_Ten-by-ten: Ten for the Ten Commandments..._

_Eleven-by-eleven: Eleven for the eleven deriders..._

_Twelve-by-twelve: Twelve for the twelve Apostles..._


	5. The Strong Sweet Quality

LOCATION: NAS North Island, San Diego, California

* * *

 

"Do I still have two names?" Shepard repeated the question. "Of course, I have two names."

"You're lucky. Most of us don't remember our other names. I'm just William and my sister is Jesse."

"She was just a baby back then?" Shepard asked.

"Yeah," the little boy nodded solemnly. "My dad said, you take care of her William. You take care of your baby sister until I get back."

"He never came back, did he William?"

He shook his head, "No, sir. I've been waiting a long time."

Shepard found himself placing his arm around the boy. "You did a good job taking care of her, William."

"He's bossy," his sister commented.

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Okay, you two. I should get going. Enjoy your story."

As Shepard got to his feet and turned to leave a familiar voice cut through the chatter.

"John Shepard. Why don't you tell the story of about how you almost single-handedly killed the Reaper ship?"

He heard one or two gasps from the older children. They were old enough to remember the name Commander Shepard and they came to their feet to get a look at him. They whispered his name and passed the word to the other kids. Shepard felt embarrassed and more than a little angry at James for making him the center of attention. He should just walk away. This was ridiculous and attention he hadn't asked for and certainly didn't want. Thanks James. Thanks a lot.

The children began peppering him with questions.

"Commander Shepard? Do you still have the Normandy?"

"Yeah, can we go see it?"

"Sir, tell us about Garrus. Was he really your best friend?"

"We want to hear about the Reaper ship!"

"When I grow up I'm going to be just like Z'eed Mass… Massana… Massano… Massan…? How do you say it, Commander?"

That got Shepard's attention and he turned toward the question. "It's Zaeed Massani and you sure as hell will not grow up to be like him."

A collective gasp and a hailstorm of, "He said a bad word!" Skittered across the crowd. James laughed.

"You'll have to tell a story now, John. If you say a bad word you have to tell a story of your own. Those are the rules."

"REAPER! REAPER! REAPER!"

Shepard joined James at the front of the crowd and attempted to pull up memories he'd rather stay buried.

He started speaking, quietly at first. The words came slowly. Memories twisted in his mind, taking on different meanings. As he spoke the words, he questioned his own interpretation of the events and the people around him. There was Garrus. By his side, always. Watching out for him. Always there with advice or just an ear. Garrus the archangel. Garrus the bravest and most selfless man he'd ever met. And Steve, also a friend and confidant. Why wasn't he still in contact with those people?

"Garrus Vakarian… He was-you're right-he was my best friend. I just didn't know it until now."

"Did Garrus help you kill the Reaper ship?"

"No, he stayed on the Normandy. Taking care of things for me. We… we were on a planet called Rannoch, with another friend of mine. Rannoch is the quarian home world.

" _TALI!_ "

Shepard couldn't stop it when a smile cracked his clenched jaw. "Yes, her name is Tali. She was very happy to be home. But there was a Reaper ship there and Geth who didn't want us there at all. We fought our way through several Geth hostiles."

"You hadn't made friends with them yet, right?"

"That's right," Shepard nodded.

"What'sa hostile?"

"A bad guy, you dummy! You're such a baby."

"You think _YOU'RE SO SMART_ just because you're older and you remember everything! Just because you can remember your mom and dad!"

Vega held up his hands and quickly silenced the children. They sometimes fought like this. Many of them were old enough to remember life before the Battle for Earth. But most of them were too young and either had just the nightmares or no memory of it at all. Then Shepard started speaking again and the crowd hushed on their own.

"You are lucky if you remember your parents… I don't remember my mine."

"But everyone has a mommy and a daddy," a little girl in the front row reminded him.

"I must have, but I never knew them. I grew up just like you. Only I didn't live in an orphanage."

"Then who took care of you?" This was from Jesse who'd walked up from the back row with her brother in tow.

"I guess, I took care of myself, Jesse."

"But who fed you and read you stories and made sure you didn't wake up scared and alone?" She asked crawling into his lap.

Spreading his arms at the intrusion of the small girl with a mop of auburn curls, inquisitive blue eyes and a smudged face, Shepard realized he'd never held a child before. Never had the time. Never wanted to.

Before he could give her the simple answer that no one had, she went on. "Don't worry. We'll take care of you now. Won't we, William?"

"We will, Jesse. Here comes Ms. Brown. We have to go now, sir. Will you come back next week?"

"Will you come back, John?" James stood behind him, the man's breath a whisper across his neck.

He could hardly refuse, with the sea of expectant faces all waiting for his answer. "Yes, I promise. I'll see you next week."

"YEAH!"

James and John watched the children follow their teacher to the transport. The night went completely quiet once they were alone.

"James? Those children…"

"They're the part of the battle we never saw."

"Why do you do this?" Shepard asked, sharply. "There's more than enough work at the base!"

"Because this is my home town. This is something I can give back."

"Didn't we give enough four years ago… five years ago? Didn't I?"

* * *

 


	6. But that's not the shape of my heart

Petty Officer 1st Class Brown watched the admiral and noted his body language. She's been the Admiral Shepard's administrative aide for the past four months and she's good at judging his moods now. The admiral is known for his temper so it paid to watch for any sign of a dust up. Did she find him handsome? Of course. Did she agree, with the others, who referred to him as Admiral Hard-ass, that he's basically a dick? Absolutely not. Did she think he was the unhappiest man she'd ever met. Definitely. Where do you go after you saving the galaxy? How do you top that success?

The Admiral Shepard handed the PADD back to her, "Thank you. That will be all. Would you close the door on your way out?"

"Aye, sir."

She had her hand on the door when he spoke again, "Enjoy your weekend, First."

"Thank you, Admiral. You do the same."

Then he gave her that endearing lopsided grin and simply shrugged his shoulders. While most women would've given their careers to be the recipient of that grin, she noticed it never reached his eyes. He always wished her a pleasant weekend. She always noticed, based on the pile of work waiting for her on Monday mornings, that he spent most of his weekend in the office.

When the outer door of his office closed, Admiral John Shepard turned to his office windows. Below his top floor office a picturesque view of the of The Strand lay before him. Beyond the shoreline, a storm front gathered strength out on the ocean. Flashes of lightening were just visible on the horizon and the waves crashed relentlessly against the shore. He noticed the tide was up and the birds were settling into shelter. Further down the beach, a team of BUD/S trainees ran the obstacle course. He envied their activity and wondered if he could join them. Enter BUD School at his age? His age? He was thirty-eight years old...He felt one hundred and thirty-eight.

John Shepard rested his forehead against his arm and watched as the palm trees began to bow and flex in the wind and the first rain drops splattered against his window.

Behind him his administrative assistant spoke to someone. Her voice rising. Then Shepard heard footsteps and he turned as he door opened. "Major, you do not have an appointment. The admiral asked not to be disturbed. Please, sir!"

Then Major Vega entered his office in long strides with Brown in his wake.

"It's okay, First. It's Friday. Go on, get out of here."

"Thank you, sir."

"James?"

There were rain drops on the man's shoulders and his dark hair. Shepard couldn't help himself, he reached out a hand to touch the moisture. The major helplessly turned his cheek against Shepard's palm.

Damn this man, James thought. Damn him for the effect he has on me and damn his cold heart.

Outside the storm broke against the shore. At the edge of his hearing, Shepard was aware of the Navy trainees shouting to each other as they ran for the bus.

Then James shook his head and moved away from Shepard's touch. "Sir, I'm not here for that. James nodded toward Shepard's hand. I need your help.,"

Shepard reached for the retreating man. "What's going on, James?" Shepard asked, stepping back and crossing his arms over his chest, his hands squeezing into fists.

James ran his fingers through his hair. "It's the kids. You remember Jesse and her brother William? They ran away. No one noticed until this morning they were even gone."

"So what can I possibly do? I spent time with them. That's what you wanted, wasn't it?"

The major squared off in front of Shepard. Scared for the kids and frustrated with the man in front of him, "Goddamnit, Shepard! It's not always about you!"

"Careful with your words, Major."

Instead of giving in to his temper, Vega straightened his shoulders and grated, "With respect, Admiral. I formally request your assistance in locating the children." James handed Shepard a small scrap of paper. "Read it."

James didn't allow him to read the note before he lashed out again. "Those two kids decided to follow your example of living on their own. We have no idea where they are or where they might have gone."

While Shepard continued to study the note. The scrawled words, written in blue crayon, glared back at him accusingly. Those two kids were out in that storm right now. Were they under cover or soaking wet and shivering with fear?

Thunder shook the window pane and lightning illuminated the two men. The admiral stood tall, self-possessed and detached. Vega realized, with a sharp pain, that he no longer knew that man. You think you get to know someone when you fight side by side, sleep beside each other and wake up together. James watched over him when he'd had too much to drink. Listened to him in the dark night of Space when Shepard shared his fears. The sex immediate and intensely physical, as if Shepard used it to prove he were still alive.

Once, in a perfect alignment of the Universe, James fought by his side. They'd lived through more battles than they had any right to. Later when the fighting was over. When the quiet of his quarters only amplified the sounds of battle and served the nightmares and restless sleep. Waiting for him, warm and strong, with a magic ability to hold back the demons, was James.

After the Reaper's defeat, James was the first person he saw when he opened his eyes in the hospital.

"John, please." Major Vega reached out to Shepard with the admiral's jacket in his hand.

Shepard shrugged the jacket over his shoulders. Then stopped short of the door. "James? I'm sorry..."

"Belay that, John," James said impatiently, opening the door. "Now's not the time. We've got to find those kids."

The wind and rain buffeted them as they stepped into the storm. They both turned their collars up. James pulled the admiral across the street and toward the beach. The sand hardened from the rain under his feet, Shepard ran with the marine, thinking quickly about where the children might have hidden themselves to wait out the storm.

* * *

  
_He deals the cards as a meditation_   
_And those he plays never suspect_   
_He doesn't play for the money he wins_   
_He doesn't play for the respect_   
_He deals the cards to find the answer_   
_The sacred geometry of chance_   
_The hidden law of probable outcome_   
_The numbers lead a dance_   


  
_I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier_   
_I know that the clubs are weapons of war_   
_I know that diamonds mean money for this art_   
_But that's not the shape of my heart_   


  
_He may play the jack of diamonds_   
_He may lay the queen of spades_   
_He may conceal a king in his hand_   
_While the memory of it fades_   


  
_I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier_   
_I know that the clubs are weapons of war_   
_I know that diamonds mean money for this art_   
_But that's not the shape of my heart_   
_That's not the shape, the shape of my heart_   


  
_And if I told you that I loved you_   
_You'd maybe think there's something wrong_   
_I'm not a man of too many faces_   
_The mask I wear is one_   
_Those who speak know nothing_   
_And find out to their cost_   
_Like those who curse their luck in too many places_   
_And those who fear are lost_   


  
_I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier_   
_I know that the clubs are weapons of war_   
_I know that diamonds mean money for this art_   
_But that's not the shape of my heart_   
_That's not the shape of my heart_   


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1xjq-QUOiM

BUD/S Training: Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL www dot sealswcc dot com / navy-seals-naval-special-warfare-prep-school dot aspx


	7. If I ver Lose My Faith in You

As they jogged through the storm, Shepard tried to remember all the stories he'd told the children. What might they react to? What adventure had they responded to? What did children respond to? He had no idea.

They reached the children's camping area. But no one was around. Empty. How different it was like this with no children around. Much to quiet.

"William? Jessie?" They called out, searching around the firewood and the building where they stored the blankets and equipment.

"William! This is Admiral Shepard. Report for duty, sailor. Front and center now!"

Nothing. Just the sound of the rain and the roar of the surf. Lightning flashed over their heads illuminating the deep concern in Jame's face. Shepard went to him. "We'll find them. We'll find them."

"I thought, no matter how scared they were, William might respond to the sound of your voice. Jesse too."

"What are you taking about? They're just kids. Come on."

Grabbing his arms, James shouted into the storm. "You have no idea do you? No idea the affect you have on people...on the children. Or is it that you just don't care. Sure, you know you're a great leader. But you have no idea the love you engender."

Shepard gripped the other man's face with his hands, "Do you love me, James? That's the only thing that's important."

"No! It's not the only thing that's important! Those kids are important. Giving back is important. And, no. I don't love you...not anymore."

James sped away into the darkness, leaving the admiral no choice but to follow.

James led him to the shoreline. Shepard recognized the dark buildings and fitness area of BUD School. Constructed out of telephone poles, the obstacle course stood out against the stormy sky. Navy Seals, he remembered telling them about the Seal teams. How they functioned as a team and were self sufficient and courageous. If they came out here when the storm hit, they could have found cover anywhere out there on the course. It was worth a look. He hoped they didn't have to dodge lighting bolts.

"James! Over here!"

They ran from one obstacle to the next, both of them calling the children's names. As they neared the shoreline, Shepard's enhanced hearing caught plaintive calls for help over the roar of the surf. Time had eroded the shoreline back at this point. In the daytime it would be easy to avoid, but in the dark there wasn't much difference between the sand and the water. They were both standing in ankle deep water, small waves pushed against their legs.

Shepard heard it again. "Mister V, is that you?"

James whirled, "William? Jesse?"

"I see them!" Shepard waded deeper into the water.

"P-p-please hurry. I can't hold on to Jesse much longer. She's shivering too hard. No, Jesse don't let go! Help!" William screamed.

James launched himself into the water toward William. His momentum pushed him out far enough to catch the little boy's hands. James pulled him through the water and into his arms. Then he wrapped William in his coat and held him close. The child was nearly hysterical with concern for his sister. There was still work to be done, so James settled William on the sand and turned back to the shore.

Shepard beat him to it and dove for the little girl. The churning water made visibility zero. Shepard searched blindly for Jesse. What good are his implants if I can't save one little girl, he thought as he reached through the murky storm tossed water for her.

"Shepard!"

He heard James calling his name. But he'd seen them both safe before he dove in. He had to keep looking.

Nothing.

Shepard kicked to the surface, grabbed a lungful of air, before he could dive again a wave caught him and tossed him against the rocky jetty. James heard him grunt pain.

"John. Let me try!"

"I'm okay! Stay with the boy." Then he dove again.

The salt water burned his open eyes. But he didn't dare close them. He needed as many of his senses as he could use to locate her. Even in summer, the Pacific Ocean is deceptively cold. The careless swimmer ignored that at their own peril. Shepard's hands are becoming numb and he knew he wasn't kicking as hard as he could because he could no longer feel his feet. He's slowing down and he knows it. But he can't lose her. He can't face William or James without her. So he can't fail.

His lungs are empty, his brain is screaming for air. But he kept searching for her, reaching in every direction through the black water. He was just about to kick back to the surface for more air when his fingers brushed across the palm of an outstretched hand. He grabbed for it and pulled. Jesse glided easily to him. Her limp body is weightless in his arms. With one arm around Jesse, Shepard kicked for the surface. There's no time left. He's got to get her to safety.

It's so cold and his vision begins to darken. Shepard loses sight of the surface until a bolt of lightning flashed across the sky. Raising his eyes he can see the outline of the rocks above. But his hands and feet feel useless and clumsy now. He's shivering so hard he can barley hold on to Jesse. He can make it, he's Commander fucking Shepard, isn't he? Just a few more strokes to the surface. Just a few more feet. Shepard doesn't realize he's lost the ability to navigate his way to the surface.

Shepard remembers a familiar feeling. He knows these sensations. It's just like space, but this time there's no stars. Just a weightless and euphoric moment as his brain makes a last stand at keeping him alive. He remembers the cold and the terrifying sense of disorientation replaced with a calm lightness. He's flying and he's free. No pain. No disappointment. Just peace and he yearns for it.

This time there's something in his arms. Something clinging to him. Tiny fingernails dig into his neck. And if he dies this time, there will be no one to bring him back.

Something is terribly important about this time. The little girl in his arms is important. She has a brother waiting for her and a life to live. He's lived his life and made a mess of it. She doesn't deserved this fate. It's no good and he knows it. Shepard's boot catches on a rock. Get Jesse to the surface. Get Jesse to the surface, his brain screams at him. Shepard pushes off on the rock and throws Jesse toward the surface. Before his vision blacks out completely he sees arms pluck her out of the water. Good... he can rest now. After a long sigh he realizes he's not cold anymore.

* * *

 

_If I Ever Lose My Faith In You_

  
_You could say I lost my faith in science and progress_  
 _You could say I lost my belief in the holy church_  
 _You could say I lost my sense of direction_  
 _You could say all of this and worse but_

  
_If I ever lose my faith in you_  
 _There'd be nothing left for me to do_

  
_Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world_  
 _You could say I lost my faith in the people on TV_  
 _You could say I'd lost my belief in our politicians_  
 _They all seemed like game show hosts to me_

  
_If I ever lose my faith in you_  
 _There'd be nothing left for me to do_

  
_I could be lost inside their lies without a trace_  
 _But every time I close my eyes I see your face_

  
_I never saw no miracle of science_  
 _That didn't go from a blessing to a curse_  
 _I never saw no military solution_  
 _That didn't always end up as something worse but_  
 _Let me say this first_

  
_If I ever lose my faith in you_  
 _There'd be nothing left for me to do_

_<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwmGK7IA4TQ> _


	8. You Know You're in Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LOCATION: NAS North Island, Medical Center. San Diego, California

* * *

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."

― Dr. Seuss

* * *

Funny how some memories etch themselves into your consciousness. Or maybe they all did and it just took the right trigger. Perhaps some were just closer to the surface. Was it smells or sounds? Touch? Out on the edge of his hearing Shepard could hear a monitor beeping softly. It was annoying. There were voices; children's voices and a man's voice. Seemed familiar. The man's voice was triggering memories and words. They filtered through his mind, each one increasing his anxiety, 'Came up to check on you.' 'Loco, show me what makes you scream', 'Just ask, I'm here.'

Warm brown eyes filled with promise. Just waiting for the right words from him to release the actions. But he never did. Never took the time. Simply took. Watching the light in those eyes dim and cut away. He stopped spending the night.

'John, why are you doing this to him? Just tell him.'

Until, the only thing left was a set of dog tags.

A small hand on his cheek, 'but who takes care of you?' 'My dad said, take care of your sister. I tried.'... frightened, large eyes filled with tears of hope. Are you the one? Are you the daddy who will help me take care of my sister?'

'Sometimes I get scared too. Yeah kid, even the grownups get scared. Never show your fear, kid. They'll take you down...you'll fail...you'll fall...

Is that what families were for? They helped you when you were scared.

Garrus Vakarian...The best friend...the best shot...the best of everything. When he had my back I was invincible...What ever it took to complete the mission. Tali, a green girl on her own for the first time... put her into danger over and over... she can hack... she can fix, reprogram... whatever I need her to do. Use it...move on to the next mission... push it out of the way... keep going... never look back, never saw the disappointed faces... the hopeful looks and the love waiting to be shared... but he never asked... never said, yes. thank you and I'll take care of you too...

'Have you got time to talk?' I don't have time... I'll be dying soon... Don't you understand? If I look back, my heart will break. It's my fate and I cannot waiver from my path...DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? When this is all over...When my race is run and I'm dead...you'll have to take care of each other.

A relaxed hand, fingers curled on starchy sheets. Reaching for them, seeking the warmth...curling fingers into the large palm. And the fingers don't pull away! Yes, this hand smells familiar. He knows the contours, the rough callous on his trigger finger...This hand...doing crazy amazing things to his body...helped shut out the noise...the screams...spectre of death who lives in the dark burned out forest. He counts down the time and beckons him every night. There's no one to put the coins on his eyes...Cerberus waits and Death never ever forgets... I'm scared...I'm scared...I'M SCARED!

Run! You've stopped and it will catch you if you stop. He tried to run, but something is in his way. Something strong, like a wall and he can't find his way around it. Maybe he doesn't want to this time...this time? And it's comforting. But is it safe? He hears a sob and it boils like hot plasma out of his chest...but he's never cried in his life.

Small hands holding his clenched fists, prying open his fingers. Small, quiet voices. They're speaking to him while someone else rocks him gently back and forth.

"It's okay, Admiral. It's just a bad dream. Me and Jesse are here and we're okay."

"Sir? Just open your eyes. Please? See? I'm okay. See?" Small fingers on his face...touching his eyes... "Sir? Mister V says I need to learn to swim. Will you teach me? And William, too?"

Admiral John Shepard opened his eyes to the sounds and smells of a hospital. The room is darkened, cool and quiet. Against his cheek is the familiar unyielding strength of James Vega. Around his shoulders are James' hands...those hands...one of those hands is inside his hospital gown against his bare back. The children cannot see it, but John can feel the heat of it burning into his flesh, branding him. He blinks to focus his eyes. William and Jesse stare back at him. When they know he sees them they both grin. He cannot help but grin back.

It felt good to smile.

"Yes," Shepard nods. "I'd love to teach you how to swim."

"Jesse, go tell the nurse the Admiral is awake!"

"YOU go tell the nurse. I-staying-here."

"No, you go."

"No!"

John slides one arm around James' waist and with the other grabbed both children. With all the strength he can manage pulled all three into a tight hug. The marine stayed wisely silent to allow Shepard all the time he needed to adjust to a situation he's never experienced before.

It took James and an EMT to pull the Admiral from the water. His breathing had stopped, but his heart beat defiantly. James remembered every prayer his grandmother ever taught him. Over and over they pushed the water from his lungs and turned him to let it come out naturally. Once they got all the water out of him, he started breathing on his own. John would be okay, his mind shouted. Maybe, if they were very lucky, life might grant them a second chance.

With assurances they would meet at the hospital. The children went in one ambulance and James and Shepard in another. When the doors closed, James stripped John's the wet uniform off and wrapped him in blankets. While the EMT began an IV in one hand James held the other. And, he talked to the Admiral all the way to the hospital. If the EMT thought the sight of a tough battle scared, decorated war hero of a marine whispering words of love to Admiral Shepard a little weird, he was to professional to let it show. Everyone know who these two were, what they'd been through and what the world owed them.

Shepard slept for twenty four hours. The doctors said he was worn out from sleep deprivation, overwork and possibly unresolved stress. The major knew they were correct. He planned on doing something about it. It was enough that he's awake and smiling. One step at a time. The door opened and a med tech walked in. With a nod of his head, James invited him to leave.

"Major Vega? Excuse me. Why don't I take the kids down to the cafeteria for some ice cream. They need a break." The med-tech smiled and reached for the William and Jessie's hands. "Come on you, two." The tech closed quietly pulled the door closed.

When the children were gone, John raised his head slowly. Words needed to be said, but he had no idea what to say. He cursed his silence. Talk! Say something! He's waiting...

"James?" He buried his nose in Jame's neck and inhaled deeply. He loved the scent of this man. "You're not planning to help me out are you?"

"No sir."

But he felt the man's cheeks move into a smile.

"If you'll let me. I want to do more for those kids. Will you?"

Silence.

"I want to show you - prove to you - what you mean to me. What you've always meant to me."

Silence.

"I want stop being Admiral Hard-ass."

That made James laugh, he couldn't help himself. Torturing John was too much fun, but he couldn't let it go on. This was too important.

"Don't laugh, Marine. Know what they call you?"

James pulled back and relief flooded him, because there the face he knew so well. An unguarded expression. A real smile. The face, which shared itself and allowed James see the fears and the ecstasies. The marine gently kissed John's cheek while his fingers traced familiar paths. "Okay, what do they call me?"

"Major Ass."

With foreheads together they laughed into each other's faces. A genuine laugh full of the warmth and a freedom they'd never had time for before.

James sobered with a serious look on his face. His eyes dancing with humor, he said, "I just have one more question, Admiral. Do you agree with that assessment?"

Admiral Shepard answered him by laying back on the bed and pulling James down with him. Cupping the back of James' head with his hand, he pushed their lips together. James didn't need much urging, he returned the kiss with all the love in his heart and all the strength in his body. Just about the time things began to get heated and James' climbed on the bed ready to straddle Shepard, blankets, sheets, hospital gown and all, the sound of children's voices in the corridor broke them apart. James moved so fast he almost fell off the bed. So when the children entered the room the two men were laughing.

It felt good to laugh.

They stayed until the Admiral got sleepy again. They shared dinner and talked about the cold water and how they weren't really scared, but they still wanted to learn how to swim. That was the biggest playground they'd ever seen. They talked about how children should ask before they go off on their own. It was fine to have an adventure, but let people know where you where. The admiral used the Normandy's crew as an example. They watched out for each other always.

Suddenly William's head lifted from his pudding cup. His eyes round and light from within. "Can we part of your crew, Admiral? Me and Jesse and James? We'll have adventures and watch out for each other."

"And we promise to always let you know where we are!" Jesse added waving her spoon for emphasis.

What a terrifying idea, Shepard thought. He looked up at James over Jessie's head and the love he saw there filled him with an unexpected joy. So while he pondered the idea of second chances and a life filled with happiness, James mouthed three words to him. It took Shepard a few seconds to respond, but a bite of chocolate pudding from Jessie's spoon helped.

"I love you too, James."


	9. When we dance

LOCATION: San Diego, California

* * *

**Epilogue**

"Look Jesse! We have three names now." William had been practicing writing his name. Across the large drawing paper, printed in sprawling capital letters, William Vega Shepard

"And I know what Vega means!"

"You do not! You're not old enough to learn Spanish. Besides, you can't even spell Shepard."

"Can too! It's s-h-e-p-a-r-d and I can count higher than you. James promised that if I learn to count to fifty in Spanish he will teach me how to surf."

William doubted that very much. Surely he would learn first, since he was older. He decided to save that discussion for when he was alone with James and John. Then as he glanced around his new awesome new bedroom he remembered to count his blessings. James had told him to remember to do that everyday.

They lived with The Admiral and James now, in their own house. It was right on the beach. There was a small yard and The Admiral had built them a miniature obstacle course. The practiced their swimming almost everyday. Someday, William planned to become a Navy Seal. His sister said she wanted to be a Navy penguin, because they were cuter. Sisters...

Her bedroom was right across the hall. James and The Admiral's room was at the end of the hallway. It was a big house and there was always lots of people coming over on the weekends. They'd made new friends too. Nice people from Shepard's crew. Garrus Vakarian and Tali and Steve Cortez and Joker and a pretty silver lady named EDI. William especially liked his new friend, Kaidan. He was a marine just like his new Dad and Kaidan told good stories and answered all his questions.

It was good not to feel afraid anymore.

William placed an arm around his sister. "So what does vega mean."

"It means 'new', because we are a new family!"

* * *

When We Dance -Sting

  
_If he loved you_   
_Like I love you_   
_I would walk away in shame_   
_I'd move town_   
_I'd change my name_   


  
_When he watches you_   
_When he counts to buy your soul_   
_On your hand his golden rings_   
_Like he owns a bird that sings_   


_When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings_

  
_The priest has said my soul's salvation_   
_Is in the balance of the angels_   
_And underneath the wheels of passion_   
_I keep the faith in my fashion_   
_When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings_   


  
_I'm still in love with you_   
_[I'm gonna find a place to live_   
_Give you all I've got to give]_   
_When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings_   
_When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings_   


  
_If I could break down these walls_   
_And shout my name at heaven's gate_   
_I'd take these hands_   
_And I'd destroy the dark machineries of fate_   
_Cathedrals are broken_   
_Heaven's no longer above_   
_And hellfire's a promise away_   
_I'd still be saying_   
_I'm still in love_   


  
_He won't love you_   
_Like I love you_   
_He won't care for you this way_   
_He'll mistreat you if you stay_   


  
_Come and live with me_   
_We'll have children of our own_   
_I would love you more than life_   
_If you'll come and be my wife_   


  
_When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings_   
_When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings_   
_When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings_   
_When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings_   


  
_I'm gonna love you more than life_   
_If you will only be my wife_   
_I'm gonna love you more than life_   
_If you will only be my mine_   
_I'm gonna love you night and day_   
_I'm gonna try in every way_   


  
_(I had a dream last night_   
_I dreamt you were by my side_   
_Walking with me baby_   
_My heart was filled with pride_   
_I had a dream last night)_   


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-TSm_6zUjQ


End file.
